I'm tired

In my 3 and a half years with SIA, I have learnt to 'wayang' so well. I have learned to hide alot and show what I have to. And now I have pushed my sadness and tears deep inside. Is that good?

I appear happy, but not truly happy. I appear cheerful and crazy, but I stop being after 5 minutes. I sometimes don't know what I'm thinking. My mind drifts, but I don't know where. I stare into the sky more and more. I make weird noise, trying to hum but mumbling. When I wind down, I feel like a big fish ball got lodged between my lungs making it very hard to breathe.

What is that? Only I know? maybe.... maybe not