happy face for CNY

Chinese New Year is nearing. Everyday I wish that it wouldn't come. I battle restlessness day in day out. I know you don't understand. When I am restless I feel like shit. I feel I have no purpose in life. This year I will not be celebrating CNY as wholeheartedly as I normally would. I wish that I would but I know it will not come easy. I still want to cry every single day. Sometimes my heart doesn't know what to do, don't know how to deal with the pain. I try to push it away because my family is here by my side. I don't want them to feel like I didn't try hard enough. Day after day I put my happy face out but my sad face just wants to have a peek of the real world. I push my sad face back in.... I laugh so hard, so happy to suppress the pain. You may not know what I'm trying to say here because I'm trying to put them in words and not sound stupid all over again. Nmind what I have just said.

Changi General Hospital

I am back out after staying in the hospital or 2 nights. The stay was horrible. I only wished I was at home every night there. I am generally better. The I.V. drip has done me good, given me the fluid I needed. But everywhere I went the I.V. drip went with me. Toilet was visited the most.I barely slept at night with the bed being so small I had to make sure of not falling so many times. Therefore making my sleep sleepless. The movement of patients in the middle of the night made everything worse. Doctors come in talking so loud as though the patients are not even sleeping. Nurses overwork day and night. Every time I fall asleep, I have to wake up for blood pressure to be taken. And then when I really sleep, I have to wake up to shower before the doctors make their rounds. Even then, they see you, talk for less than 5 mins and walk away. After seeing me itch with rash, they say....'a clinical case of dengue'. There... I'm a statistic.

I am very happy to be home, to be near my things. To be with people I know. I love my home.

Goodnite... till the next writing.