I am still sick

Its already the 4th day of MC for me and I still don't know what's wrong. Fever has not subside, in fact it has risen. Bodyache is still lingering. I can't turn my head fast, I have to turn my body in order for my eyes to follow (slowly...)
I went to see the doctor for the 3rd time today and the doctor has no idea what is wrong with me. I'm given medicine that's drowsy yet I can only sleep a fraction of time. Doctor drew blood and x-ray was done.

I only hope it's not serious.

I think you will understand... I hope you do, one day

I am sick again. My body is aching so much, the pain is overwhelming. The only 2 ways I know is to cry and think. Crying allows you to have something even bigger to numb the pain. Whereas thinking allows your mind to flow free like how I’m feeling. At times like these, I feel I understand more of what he felt. Why he thought so much. Why the questions… Crying will only allow minimum release of pain, how much… you will only know when you’re in pain. When you start thinking without judgment your mind wanders free. It’s pretty much like astral projection. Go where you want to go without stares, negativity, burden of why you do such things. It feels extremely good to think sometimes. Then again I am lazy to open up the windows and doors.

I may have been too harsh the other day, please do understand the position I’m in. I didn’t understand that people grieved differently. When you’re lost, you get agitated. I now understand that you do not have the tools. You don’t know where to look because every direction is a dead end. The dead end is made by you. He opened the door, the path, but you shut him down. I don’t know if this is how you really feel but I now think I understand more. The pain. The humiliation, The judgement. Easily put… being sentenced life in prison or death without proper investigation and representation.

Ultimately, no one listened wholeheartedly without judgement before listening to the whole idea. You may have been too preoccupied with your life, and I don’t blame you because you have your life to lead. The only lesson that we should know and learn is to listen, to learn to feel, to analyze, to think positive before the negative, and lastly to open up to new experiences it may bring.

You will learn to understand what I’m yacking about. But to achieve that, please exercise patience. We do not need to rush through life for reality is all perception of thoughts.

I am still taking that walk of pain, but I know I will eventually live. Take your time…

If any part of this has offended you, I apologize and do hope you will understand my thoughts one day.

SHUT YOUR MOTHER-F***********KING TRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

People who don't know much should just shut their trap. You may have known him all your life but he had shut you out for over a year so don't come and tell me you know him. You don't know what went on, you don't ever think that you know everything by assuming. You always thought of him as an egoistic prick, so don't think you know more than I do. I knew what was going on. I knew a whole lot more than you. Thinking that you know him since young doesn't give you the right to say that you know him more than I do. Of all the people, I knew him the best in these six years. I couldn't save him, the least you could do is keep his good memories in you. Don't be a know-it-all person because HE hates that!

Why did you have to dig all that up again and make me feel like shit all over again?

I am so lazy

I have to clean my room and the house today but I am just too LAZY. I'm too lazy to eat sometimes. Too lazy to get out of the house. At times I sit in my pyjamas whole day, just too lazy to change. Believe it or not, I am also lazy to smile. I just lay on the couch waiting for the day to pass... staring at the computer. And surprisingly, I'm not lazy to type today.

This is Erin Chong reporting from Pasir Ris while sitting on the couch in the hall that she is so lazy to move from. This is the real Erin Chong. If you're looking for a confident woman, she's not here.

lesson learned

manifestation. Is that good? Is manifestation bad? To me, manifestation is bad. The more you make yourself think of it, the more you'd be come it.

I have learned my lesson.

I'm tired

In my 3 and a half years with SIA, I have learnt to 'wayang' so well. I have learned to hide alot and show what I have to. And now I have pushed my sadness and tears deep inside. Is that good?

I appear happy, but not truly happy. I appear cheerful and crazy, but I stop being after 5 minutes. I sometimes don't know what I'm thinking. My mind drifts, but I don't know where. I stare into the sky more and more. I make weird noise, trying to hum but mumbling. When I wind down, I feel like a big fish ball got lodged between my lungs making it very hard to breathe.

What is that? Only I know? maybe.... maybe not

day after day

Another day has come. More ups and downs to go thru. I don't know when I will be happy, when I will come crashing down. I just crashes... down.. tears just don't know when to stop, waterworks overflow.

These days I wake up to phone calls with enthusiasm... hoping... wondering why... is he alright.. So many questions, many many wrong answers... only he knows.

......

I'm sad. I'm upset. I have diarrhoea. I have running nose and cough. I have so much to deal with...

Why am I dealt with such bad cards?

tragedy... more than that

Why is life so fragile? Why can't it be more solid, strong, unbreakable?

My heart hurts... my love gone... self blame will always be lingering nearby... too close in fact. I manage to tell him I love him, that I never stopped loving him. i told him he is and will always be beautiful in my heart. i touched him... cold... but I still love him.

Baby, I am sorry for whatever I have done to you... I am very very sorry